I just got done watching Matilda, which is one of my all-time favourite childhood memories. The book remains one of my favourite books of all time (favourite Roald Dahl book by far) because I read it when I was around Matilda's age and it's one of the first times I can remember falling in love with a book. The film is pretty good, too; although they changed some of the details, it works (quite unlike the first adaptation of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory -- I don't care if the Gene Wilder version is a cult classic, it's always sucked in my opinion because (a) they changed the whole film too much from the book and (b) I didn't really think Gene Wilder really represented the idea of Willy Wonka accurately. Willy Wonka is creepy, yes, but he's not as... moody or frightening as Gene Wilder made him out to be. I mean, he is frightening, but Gene Wilder portrayed him almost malevolently, which I didn't think carried the whole idea of the book. ANYWAY. Matilda puts me in a good mood and it makes me fall in love with everything (although I am already in love with everything) so I'm happy.


About my last post -- first of all, thank you for all the supportive comments. It really helps to know that I have friends like you who actually care enough to comment on such entries and help me out when I'm feeling down. Some of the friends I have had for years read those sorts of entries (or don't read them) and don't say anything, which isn't exactly the most helpful thing I can think of. (That's another ramble, though.) Around every 4-6 weeks or so, I write really horrifically depressed, insecure entries, basically biting everything's head off and chewing it with pleasure. Sometimes, they're more frequent than the 4-6 week period; my freshman and sophomore years, and even into the beginning of my junior year, they'd account for nearly half of my posts. (Why people didn't stop reading me, I'll never know; I suppose true friends are those who read your blog through the good times and the really terribly bad times. There is a reason why I have Xanga friends who I have never met; it's just something you bond over when you're reading their secrets and they're reading yours, you know? It's different from real life, but again, that's a completely different ramble I'll go through on here someday...) In fact, that entry was the first time I've felt really, really down since mid-November, since the day I told Tobin "no." I'm not even joking. Normally, those entries make themselves known in huge, emoish rambles via Xanga. Sometimes, they involve random crying and me hitting my head upon the keyboard. Thankfully, the last entry did not involve either, although I've had entries where I'll be happy and then right in the middle I start swearing at myself, going insane, crying and being an emotional wreck all over the place...

At any rate, Luke is right. Girls tend to get very insecure about themselves. I don't know a single girl who isn't insecure about herself on some level. Even Nell, who is probably the most confident person I know, gets this way! (She just doesn't show it as much as other girls do.) It just happens. Let it be known; trust me, if you realise this, girls become somewhat easier to understand. For me, I feel sort of like everything isn't real, like this is all going to be an elaborate joke. I know that sounds totally insane, but the fact that I've been in college for four months and already had two (two and a half? I never know whether to count Seth or not, what with the bajillion mixed messages he sent me...) guys like me enough to want to date me and the having the quiz bowl team accept me as readily as they did... well, it all feels a bit surreal to me. I'm new to this and I keep expecting someone to pop up and give me bad news about something, anything. When life gets too good, I know that there's got to be a catch somewhere. I haven't found that catch yet, and hopefully there isn't one. Karma is excellent at kicking one when they least expect it. Hopefully, I've cultivated enough karma to avoid being slapped by a big, wet fish within the near future. (By the way, I tend to reference being slapped by big, wet fish quite frequently, although I'm not sure I've ever mentioned it on my blog over here. It's just my general expression for bad things. And yes, it stems from the fish-slapping dance.) Thankfully, I am feeling better now. I don't know why I've been so insecure as of late; it really doesn't make any sense, but I suppose it's just the way that things go. (Oh, god, now is when I start inserting song lyrics into my entries; really, Alex, really?)

At any rate, it's time to look back at my new year's resolutions from last year and see how I did. They were:

1. I will not get senioritis.
2. I will "live without regrets."
3. I will be a better friend.
4. I will work harder. At everything.
5. I will edit my novel.
6. I will keep in touch with my friends when I go to college.
7. I will realise that I am not the only person in the world, and/or achieve "self-actualization."
8. I will spread love wherever I go.
9. I will be less awkward.
10. I will (hopefully) grow up in some way, shape or form.

Commentary about fulfillment:

1. FULFILLED - because I got fours and fives on all my AP exams, which was my goal for the academic year. Yeah! And I think my teachers were pretty happy with me, too, especially Nogo and Derrico.
2. Okay, I have a feeling this one had to do with letting myself be freer and doing what I'd always wanted to do but was too shy to do it; however, I will consider this one FULFILLED because I tried to "live without regrets" (and thus try to let things go) with a few different people. I let my interest in Seth be known, and although it didn't really work out, I was able to let go without feeling too much hurt (after a bit of time). I also tried with Tobin, and I don't regret that, because I felt like I needed to do so. The phrase "living without regrets" also applies to keeping my mouth shut in regards to "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all," which I have sucked at. Nevertheless, I managed to leave behind baggage (the letter to Marie which I never sent, which I destroyed), which I'm proud of myself for doing. That's something I don't regret, whereas I feel like had I sent that letter, I probably would have regretted it once she'd opened it.
3. FULFILLED - I feel like I have become a better friend this year, if only because I learned how to listen better. I am not as afraid now, either, which is a good sign!
4. FULFILLED - obviously I didn't die in my first semester of college, but I kept up with (most of my) readings, save astronomy, did lots of schoolwork, actually began to study! Worked at everything a bit more, so I'm happy.
5. Epic fail. I never got around to editing my monsterous novel, although more people read it (and enjoyed it), so I suppose that's a good sign. Obviously it needs heavy work but I have a feeling that, due to the reaction of those who have read it, I might -- I really might -- have a chance with it. Which is quite nice to know.
6. FULFILLED - okay, so I haven't exactly kept in touch with all my friends, but I have been trying! And I write letters and do communicate through Facebook and whatnot. So I'm happy on this count.
7. For the most part, FULFILLED - because I feel like I have become a bit more empathetic and understanding. When I make decisions now, I try to take into consideration the feelings and reactions of others, so I'm not quite as self-centred as I used to be. (At least, this is what I like to think.)
8. FULFILLED - I feel like I have succeeded in making people happier, to some degree. In doing so, I have learned not only to love everything around me, but I have learned to love myself more (even though my forum blog would have you think otherwise from that previous entry).
9. Hmmm, okay, I really don't know what I should make for this one. I'm going to say FULFILLED on the basis that I am actually a lot more comfortable with saying what I need/want to say (i.e. the Tobin case). I didn't stumble nor did I try to turn it into such a huge deal; instead, it went quite smoothly.
10. And I am going to slap a rather large FULFILLED on this one, too, because I have definitely changed a lot and I did, indeed, grow up. It's what I'd always wanted to do, but I'd just been trying too hard (or not trying at all -- it really varied depending on the situation). As Anita said when I last visited Microbac, "You've grown a lot since I last saw you." And I really feel like I have. Normally, I don't deal well with change, but... in this case, change feels good!

So I did quite well! Nine out of ten resolutions achieved, all without meaning to! (If I am honest, I pretty much just come up with my resolutions in the first post of the year and then forget about them.) And now, my resolutions for this year...

1. Read the Complete Works of William Shakespeare within the year. Yes, I realise this is a lofty, weighty goal, but I figure that I need to do it. Either it will kill the Bard for me and I'll work him out of my system or my respect for him will increase so much that I'll become infatuated all over again.
2. Read "Ulysses" by James Joyce. The whole thing. In one go. I don't mean sitting down and reading the entire thing in one sitting, but I mean the whole thing on my first attempt. Which is now. Basically, DON'T QUIT.
3. Learn to respect things more. People, especially. Myself.
4. Aim for no less than a B+ in any of my classes. Mayhaps a B. Because I can do Better than that.
5. Keep writing. Never stop writing. Aim for around nine or ten blog entries a month. And learn to revise, too. NaNo once more, and just learn to be a better writer.
6. Don't be so afraid of work. That is, try to get a job and stick with it.
7. Be more comfortable within yourself. Don't just love yourself partially. Become a fuller person and learn to appreciate what is good about yourself instead of constantly finding flaws within yourself.
8. Think about everything and everyone in positive terms. Do not hate anything (except George Bush, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers -- those are allowed to be detested). Try to see the good in everyone and remind yourself of it.
9. Eat healthier and exercise more. This is a bit of a challenge on campus, but I am determined to lose a bit of weight. I want to be back where I am comfortable in myself once more, and to do so, I feel like I've got to make some changes to myself.
10. Do things outside of your comfort zone. DO NOT CONFUSE THIS WITH "DO THINGS THAT YOU WOULDN'T MORALLY APPROVE OF." That is, do things that you normally wouldn't, and don't let anybody peer pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. Don't let anybody exert too much control over you. You are supposed to control you. Think for yourself! Scrap doubts and live without regrets once more (except in this time, apply it to everything).

Reading list for the year coming up as soon as I get back on campus and realise my reading options.

Hope you all had a nice opening to 2010!

Edit. I've been meaning to post this somewhere, so I figured that this was the place... the list of songs that will always remind me of 2009.
1. "Broken Strings" - James Morrison feat. Nelly Furtado (February, played this a lot when I flew by myself to Louisville)
2. "No You Girls" - Franz Ferdinand (March onwards, such a powerful song, oh my god those guitars are soooo gwuhh)
3. "You Get What You Give" - the New Radicals (heard it on PBS during Little Dorrit season and fell in love with it)
4. "Annan Water" - the Decemberists (from Tobin's mix CDs, I've listened to this song nearly twenty times, I really like minor chords)
5. "22" - Lily Allen (England/first few weeks of college)
6. "Ready For the Weekend" - Calvin Harris (England)
7. "Life in Technicolor ii" - Coldplay (March onwards, such a lovely happy song)
8. "Maybe" - Ingrid Michaelson (again, Tobin's mix CDs -- sort of how he described his feelings of hope towards me ["Maybe in the future/you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back around"] but it's how I got into Ingrid Michaelson)
9. "Do You Want To" - Franz Ferdinand (from the FF CD I bought the night Tobin introduced me to the Great Escape, where they have like a bajillion used CDs -- how I got into FF once more)
10. "Quelqu'un m'a dit" - Carla Bruni (Sari's CD Swap Day CD)
11. "Womanizer" - Britney Spears (Alyssa and driving around with her and whatnot)
12. "Billie Jean" - Michael Jackson (not just the whole MJ is dead thing, but they asked about this at a QB tourney one day and we drove home singing this at the top of our lungs)
13. "De Usuahia a la Quiaca" - Gustavo Santaolalla (Jiyoon & Rachel & the Motorycle Diaries & fun cakes...)
14. "Moskau" - Dschinghis Khan (Jiyoon)
15. "One Foot Boy" - Mika ("I'm happy on my own," power anthem after I told Tobin no)
16. "Hometown Glory" - Adele (Nofa sang this at Salute to Seniors, have always loved it)
17. "Catch My Disease" - Ben Lee (played this to death in February too, so catchy! I love handclaps)
18. "Hey Jude" - the Beatles (from the afternoon Rachel and I got lost downtown after going to Habitat for Humanity)
19. "Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps" - Cake (how I felt about several people)
20. "Dominoes" - Dawn Mitschele (describes the first few weeks of college -- stupid boys)
21. "Song for a Friend (Live from Montalvo)" - Jason Mraz (one of my favourite live recordings, quite empowering, gives me strength when I'm looking for it)
22. "Chocolate" - Snow Patrol (again, if there is one thing Tobin has given me, he's reawakened my interest in several bands, Snow Patrol being one of them)
23. "Gives You Hell" - All American Rejects (first few weeks of college, hanging out with Seth and getting to know Amanda better, dancing around the room like a moron)
24. "M'envoyer des fleurs" - Sandrine Kiberlain (my favourite French song; on my favourite mix CD from Jiyoon; I love that CD because every time I listen to it I think of the Masterminds picnic and MM in general and how much we had in common and how long it took me to realise that)

(Unofficially -- a song of myself, all my words from all my blog entries; names, places, faces, things, events, days, colours, smells, music, images; why must I be so nostalgic?)